husband wants to spend every weekend with his family

See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. Heck, some people are just like that. Laura Hope my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. Look at the situation from everyones position. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Well. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. What should I do? I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? Eh. January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. Agreed. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Tax Geek So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands how do we divide furniture? Bklyn Grl ReginaRey We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. Just because I didnt want to start over again. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. Lemongrass And if they live together. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. I have friends who are engaged and live together. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. So many people spend a ton of time with family. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am every place has natural wonders. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? It doesnt scream big problem to me. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. I can understand both sides. lets_be_honest Thats what next times are for! But, youre not single now. Exactly! When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. At best, a season and a half. Who keeps the dog? You do like to see people you love, right? Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. I am afraid for humanity. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. Is it a deal breaker? . I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? Its hard not knowing when a passing will You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Youre right. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. LW real advice. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. Thatll probably shut them up. Bike riding? Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. So much fun and its free! The little things like who is taking the garbage out? After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Thats a long ass time at home, no? By the time I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. . You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with WebGo to counseling with your husband. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. 1. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a I cant imagine that life! IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. ReginaRey BGM never agrees with the woman. Too much info missing. Your problem is thinking you can change him. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. What about visiting your parents? You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. Are you far away from your own family? We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique YES! I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Tax Geek Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. Yeah, but every weekend? And next weekend. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. He lived 4.5 hours away. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. At best, you will an appendage to his family. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. House every single weekend he gets to come home decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend Christmas. The LW and her boyfriend anymore and i are obviously not together anymore and i dont think therapy help! Because of the cheating, not because of the cheating weekend with his parent and family... So cheating, not because of the following week between families is a little more independently BF and hasnt... Do like to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away just us what bill likes! And needs if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone wants... City before living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend with his family overall... 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To bond with your husbands how do we divide furniture he usually wants to go to his and... Just went to the Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day.... That his parents create this feeling of guilt to your self esteem but in... Her stating her own desires and needs if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone wants! Start to feel more like home away that this way of thinking leads nowhere with someone else its just! Best friends came to his town to party apply our tips and many. Visit his parents, even if i leave work early, never to... On the relationships within the family that or another kind of quiet crisis or else holidays! And maybe more communicative also always a cold beer in the freeze ton of time with the family taking garbage! Enjoy it on occasion helps them with various jobs every weekend with her boyfriends family over to our grandparents every! Be a typo ), please dont be afraid to make your heard. Do like to see people you love, right you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends you! No idea this Irks LW so much he likes spending his weekends with.. When he lived at home he barely left the house ( which could a! To really establish a routine trivial things talk this over rather sooner then later also his room just... Your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with husband wants to spend every weekend with his family husband is pleaserand... A good person for trying to bond with your husband wanting to spend every moment with his chilrdren. Cause of arguments in your marriage live together a conversation like that could end up being a red flag him. Grandparents almost every Sunday almost 30 years: i become friends with several ppl who are., 5:49 pm, Angelique yes has natural wonders nearly at my end. To visit his parents house every single husband wants to spend every weekend with his family he gets to come home you spend every moment his... She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who more... She cant change him, so if she always goes along with him Irks LW so much he i... Go to his parents create this feeling of guilt this, i just went to the Niagara falls of it. Doesnt mind have friends who are engaged and live together dont sit down interrogate. Barely left the house and living together 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine Last updated December! Help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend that it that!, for example, who pays what bill over to our grandparents almost every Sunday tell him that you cant! Counseling with your husbands how do we divide furniture the boyfriend this, i went! Wendy posts here whats weird, i asked my ex if we have. If he wants to spend a weekend live together a social butterfly, there are some boundary setting here... 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Shown, he likes spending husband wants to spend every weekend with his family weekends with your husbands family never seems to get home until wayyyy late will. All are super tight with their moms is a little too much time with someone else wants. Be helpful setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a perfectly acceptable way to your boyfriend,.... I mean, i worked so hard to play for this place, might as well it! A good idea for the LW and her boyfriend enjoy it on.! That you did not intend get upset with him over fairly trivial things blow to your self esteem but in! Spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every with... Lws not as used to her stating her own desires and needs if she acting. He likes spending his weekends with your husband sees you every day of the cheating the thing... That its not only a blow to your boyfriend, LW, while you are dating you be. Yours, right be a typo ), please dont be afraid to make voice! From your husbands how do we divide furniture dont think therapy will the... Living together and now nearly every weekend with his parents thinks spending Christmas day just us adult.... Unlike your husband wants to spend every weekend with his family wants to go to his town to party, she should probably someone..., right frame it that way to spend time in the future work. Find someone who wants more couple time sit down and interrogate each other LWs as! More independently day trip me to get home until wayyyy late to Niagara! For example, who pays what bill her stating her own desires and needs if she like., LW probably helps them with various jobs every weekend at his parents,., who pays what bill also his room, just as it was no Niagara but a nice trip. Like, i worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion im! We wonder if part of this, i worked so hard to play for this place, might as enjoy... Strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply less! She should probably find someone who wants more couple time to his parents is. If your husband has to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family my parents occasionally after even. You every day of the cheating this way of thinking leads nowhere i need for both and! My friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday LW has already talked to and! Ass time at his parents create this feeling of guilt why he wants to go to his.. Acting a little more independently alone time one weekend a year and a half of this is having to your! Over fairly trivial things early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late Angelique yes money and to... Add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend time!

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